I've always been able to think in english. I really don't know if that's another weird thing of mine or if it's something usual. But my mind usually goes in SAP mode and drives around. Perhaps its some sort of protection against south american mind readers. I've always had that kind of thoughts where I realize..."she must be able to read mind"... "try to read me know bitch". Now the thing's become even more complex since I've been learning japanese for over three years now (time passes really fast, I've thought a great deal on that lately), and some japanese words come faster in my mind than others. So, if there's anyone that actually has the ability to read minds, mine's gotta be the freakiest one. Actually, this gives space to render about the way thoughts come alive. Some expressions aren't available in some languages. There's not a single way to say "you" in spanish nor japanese. In most places, that kind of particles depend of the knowledge of the situation and the kind of relation between the people in a conversation, and there's definitely some curses that work better for certain moments.
These days had been different in all the senses. Not having to study, is not having a reason for leave home, and not having a reason to watch friends faces. I'm always thinking in writing, and there are so many things to write about, but then I turn on the TV, check facebook or play any video game around. So, this break had become quite banal. For some reason, facebook has become this necessity where I just try to find someone who does not exist, or just try to figure out someone else's life in the groups he's in, or in the photos, or in the way the profile is made. Its kind of pathetic looking at it objectively, and I remain hours and hours making random clicks at random people trying to belong someplace (I guess). So, sometimes, my mind is trying to fight that dullness. I think in my friends, think in my life, think in the time that passes. Sometimes I just feel the loneliness of my soul and cry at the sky for someone. I reaaaally need a girlfriend. Last time, she was really quite the opposite of what I am. This mature mind of mine, has never shown up in front of my university friends, perhaps because I'm scared of being outcasted as I once was, and having such a normal girl with me was part of that shield I was making. "She's tall... I'm tall", that's all I used as a motive for hitting on her. I was just trying to find out if I ever had any ability to seduce. My method worked amazingly fast, and she was on my arms in little time. A couple of months later, when she said "I love you", and I didn't had the guts to call my experiment off, and things drove out of control. We where together for 8 months, a really long distance if one take in account the fact that I really had no feelings for her. I did this for a couple of reasons that just today South of The Border, West of The Sun, wrote by Murakami Haruki, helped me figure out. I just enjoyed holding her hand, giving a hug, feel her body next to me. It was pretty stupid to watch ourselves talk, because we talked about nothing. There wasn't really anything to talk about with her. Books? She never reads, Music? She's the opposite of me in music taste, Art? She has no idea of it, Politics? None, she's just the kind of girl who centers too much on her studies. She's in this little bubble she insist to maintain, where other things are just unspeakable. So, for me it was quite obvious things where going nowhere, but time passed and I never stopped it. Nevertheless, I'm pretty amazed by the fact that she never realized that I wasn't opening my heart for her.
The day we broke up, was simpler than I had planned. In a class break, I took her aside, told her we need to talk. She broke in tears when I told her something I can't remember well about she being too square minded (I tried to use my words to make her the reason for the end), tried to keep herself together and returned to the class. Next we went to the place we used to eat. Its a crappy expensive place I always hated. I ordered the same crap I used to eat but she didn't. We sit, she listens, I said its over. She burst in tears and drown herself in her arms. I ate. I ate as peaceful as ever. She was next to me, crying, heartbroken, and I'm eating without rush. I was thinking in the fact that I didn't feel anything. She was crying and I offer her a peace of my meal. She was crying and I'm there, kind of happy. She took a little furry teddy bear I gave her and give it bak to me .. 'is not use now"... I took it. I was thinking as clearly as ever. It was a calculated heartbreak. Since I didn't want to hurt her too deep, I made a little drama, where I told her I once loved her, and I made my eyes wet when I left the place in the middle of a rain.
I got depressed. Not but the fact that It ended, but by the fact that I didn't feel a thing when I broke her heart. Depression because lack of feelings its quite unique, different, full with mind burner complexities that drives you mad. But, I got over it pretty fast, a couple of days perhaps.
Its easier to fix your mind than to fix your heart. She's never got over it. Even now, a year later, we don't speak to each other, not by that experience but by the fact that we had to work together for six months after it, but thats another story.
I guess mind readers must be from overseas to get anything for me.
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